Yes, I'm Going Back to School
by LxAxMxMxY
Summary: An unfortunate mix-up forces Professor Snape to go back to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry -- as a student.
1. Prologue

_Okay, I know I'm still in the middle of writing another story, but I got the idea for this one today and decided to go with it. The first chapters aren't probably all that funny, but I'll get to more and hopefully they'll get better. Oh! And please don't send me reviews that say "OMG how could you do that to poor Snapey, you bastard!" Actually, Snape is my favorite character in HP. This is all in fun, just lighten up and take my story for what it is._

Professor Snape was in his office. The new school year was going to start in a week and he was busy putting the finishing touches on his lesson plans. He was sure this year Dumbledore was going to give him a big raise. No other teacher in the school challenged the kids like he did. Just then, he heard a knock at the door.  
  
"Excuse me, Severus," said Minerva McGonagall. "Professor Dumbledore would like to see you."  
  
Professor Snape got up and walked to the door. It was just as he had been expecting. Professor Dumbledore must have reviewed his file and decided to give him a raise. Snape walked down the halls and entered Professor Dumbledore's office with a rather smug look on his face.  
  
"Ah, Severus. Do sit down," said Dumbledore motioning to a chair. "I trust you had a good summer."  
  
"Yes, a most productive one. I feel this year's lesson plan is my best yet. I am quite looking forward to the school year," said Snape.  
  
"Well, I'm quite pleased you're so dedicated to your studies, Severus. That will come in handy for you."  
  
"I suppose it will. As a professor, dedication is vital."  
  
"The thing about that is... well... you will not be returning as a professor this year."  
  
"WHAT?!?!" shouted Professor Snape as he rose to his feet.  
  
"Well, I was just reviewing your file. Actually, I was looking into giving you a raise. But I've instead found that you are not qualified to teach."  
  
"Not qualified? If I may speak freely, Dumbledore, I am more than qualified for this position and all positions that have been... denied to me in the past."  
  
"Actually, Professor. Though you are a teacher here, we have no record of your completion of school."  
  
"That's preposterous!" said Professor Snape, who was looking livid by this time. "You were here. You know I completed my school years, might I add with more N.E.W.T.s than most of my peers."  
  
"It doesn't really matter what I say, Severus. No record is no record. Unless you go back and make up the years of school you missed, I'm afraid we'll have to let you go."  
  
"How do you expect me to do that?" said Snape, fuming.  
  
"Well, I've taken the liberty of enrolling you as a student this year," said Dumbledore.  
  
"You expect ME to be a STUDENT? This is ludicrous! I am not putting in another seven years here."  
  
"Actually, since this is a rather rare situation, we've decided to let you make up all your required classes in one year. We pulled a lot of strings to get you this, Severus. Either you go to Hogwarts this year as a student or I'm afraid you will not return at all."  
  
Professor Snape looked about ready to burst, but he composed himself and told Dumbledore that as much as he was against this idea, he agreed to enroll as a student if it meant he could keep his job.  
  
"Well, Severus. You will get your job back next year, but since you will be busy enough with your own classes, you will not be a Potions teacher this year, but you will get your job back next year if you've completed your education," said Dumbledore.  
  
"Who will be taking over my class?" he asked.  
  
"Well, believe it or not, Peeves is excellent with potions. He will fill in for you this year."  
  
"I absolutely forbid Peeves to enter my classroom, much less teach in it."  
  
"I'm afraid you have no choice in the matter, Severus. Now I suggest you head to Diagon Alley and pick up your school supplies."


	2. The First Day of School

It was the first day of the new year at Hogwarts. All the students were assembled at their tables in the Great Hall, waiting for the Sorting to begin.  
  
"Where is Professor Snape?" asked Hermione, who was scanning the Professors' Table.  
  
"Why should I bloody care? Maybe he got eaten by a Giant Niffler. It would serve that git right!" said Ron.  
  
"Wait, isn't that Professor Snape over there?" said Harry, motioning over towards the Slytherin table.  
  
A tall figure with black hair and a class robe that was much too small for him was making his way over to the Slytherin table.  
  
"My gosh! That IS Snape!" shouted Ron. "What is he in class robes for?"  
  
"Attention everyone!" said Dumbledore. "Welcome back to Hogwarts. There will be a few changes this year. The class of Potions will now be taught by Peeves. Professor Snape will be enrolled as a student this year. I expect everyone to treat him with respect. Now, Severus, would you like to be the first to get sorted?"  
  
Professor Snape looked up from the Slytherin table. "I assumed I would be in Slytherin house. After all, I was the head of it for years and I was a member of it myself back when I was in school the first time."  
  
"Come, come Severus! Sorting is a tradition! All first years have to do it," said Professor Dumbledore as he walked to the Slytherin table, hat in hand. "Well, if Snapey won't come to the hat, the hat will come to Snape. Ole!!" he shouted, shoving the hat on Professor Snape's head.  
  
"Hmm... you certainly seem like a Slytherin to me," mused the hat. "But since I think you're a git in a rather funny situation, I'll mess with you a little bit -- GRYFFINDOR!"  
  
Everyone was still in shock as Professor Snape reluctantly moved to the Gryffindor table.  
  
"Take back what I said about the Nifflers, this is much better than that," whispered Ron as Hermione and Harry giggled.  
  
"Now, dig into the feast!" exclaimed Dumbledore. With a wave of his hand, the tables were covered with food.  
  
"So, Snapey, what's it feel like to be in Gryffindor?" asked Fred Weasley, who was holding up a chicken leg like a microphone.  
  
"Oh come on, Snapey. Don't look so excited," added George.  
  
Just when Snape thought things couldn't get any worse for him, Dumbledore walked over to the table.  
  
"Oh, Severus! I made a slight miscalculation with the rooms this year. There are no more available beds in the Gryffindor Boys Dormitory." said Dumbledore.  
  
"Do I get to be in Slytherin?" asked Snape hopefully.  
  
"I'm afraid not, Severus. You will have your room in the Girls Dorm, actually," said Dumbledore. "Now, I'll let you get back to your dinner."  
  
Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil looked outraged, but even their reaction didn't compare with Professor Snape's. His face looked like a mixture between "WTF?" and "Kill me now!"  
  
"Snape, you lady's man!" said Lee Jordan, taping him on the shoulder.  
  
"Yeah, man. We all wish we could be in the Girls Dorm. I'd like to see Angelina Johnson in her pajamas, grrowl!" added Fred.  
  
"Just remember two little words of advice, Snapey," said George. "Statutory Rape. Now to the Girls Dorm with you, you sly little devil!"  
  
Professor Snape made his way up to the Girls Dormitory and started unpacking. Suddenly, Lavender and Parvati walked up to him.  
  
"We all think it's really gross that a middle-aged man would be sent to live with us in the Girls Dorm," said Lavender.  
  
"Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date," Snape said cooly.  
  
Lavender and Parvati looked outraged then went to their own beds.  
  
Just then, Hermione Granger came up to him. "So, you were a Professor all those years, but you never actually finished school? I think Dumbledore made a mistake putting you here. If you didn't do the work, you should be held accountable for it. Had it been my decision, I would have kicked you out."  
  
"Well, it wasn't your decision now was it? But for your information, this is all a misunderstanding and I expect to regain my position in a few days," said Professor Snape as he unfolded his pajamas.  
  
"THOSE are your pajamas?" Hermione said looking at him. "Yuck! That certainly doesn't leave enough to the imagination."  
  
"Why don't you slip into something more comfortable, Miss Granger... like a coma."  
  
Hermione stuck out her tongue and Professor Snape stuck his out right back at her. He pulled back his covers, slid into bed, and turned off the light. 


	3. Snip Snip!

Professor Snape woke up slowly the next morning. He sat up and looked around the room. Nobody was there! Crap, he was going to be late his first day of class. He sat upright, flung his legs over the bed, and tried to walk, but instead fell flat on his face.  
  
"Damn it!" he shouted after he hit the ground. He pulled himself off the floor and realized his legs had been bound together. "Granger!" he said out loud with a fierce look on his face.  
  
He made his way into the bathroom and picked up some shaving cream. He slathered it onto his face, then carefully moved his razor across the contours of his chin. His face felt very warm for some reason. That was odd. He glanced up into the mirror. His facial hair was growing at rapid speed. He suddenly found himself with a bubblegum pink beard that would rival Dumbledore's. Hermione must have switched his real shaving cream for this hexed stuff. "That damned Granger! I don't have time for this," he said, throwing his razor down onto the countertop.  
  
He ran back out into his room and threw on his clothes before any more accidents could happen. After he dressed, he ran hastily out the door and into the hallway.  
  
"There's nobody out here. I must be late already," said Snape as he picked up speed on his way to Transfiguration. He braced himself and pulled open the door.  
  
McGonagall was hard at work at her desk. She spoke without even looking up, "You are late, Severus. Five points from Gryffindor." She turned to him, "Good Lord! What happened to you?"  
  
"Nice beard, Sevvy!" said Hermione. The class exploded with laughter.  
  
Severus gave her a scathing look and walked to the back of the room to get a seat. As he walked, people started saying very weird things.   
  
"Oh my gosh! Did you see that?" said a voice behind him.  
  
"Woooo, check that out!" called another  
  
Finally Severus had enough. He whirled around and faced the class. "What the deuce are you all gaping about?"  
  
"I've seen nicer robes on a Weasley!" said Draco Malfoy.  
  
"And nicer underwear too," added Crabbe.  
  
"How do you know anything about Weasley's underpants?" demanded Draco.  
  
"Uhhhh..... we were.... uhh....." said Crabbe.  
  
Draco started tearing up. "I thought we had something. But you threw it all away on Weasley. How could you?!?!?!"  
  
"What a touching moment," said Snape sarcastically. "Now will someone tell me what the devil is going on?"  
  
McGonagall heard all the commotion and looked up. "Ahhhh!!! My poor virgin eyes!" she exclaimed.  
  
"You're a virgin, McGonagall?" said Pansy Parkinson. "Haha, sucks to be you."  
  
McGonagall's face grew red, "That's not what I meant, Miss Parkinson. Five points from Slytherin. And Severus, please come here. Oh, and cover your backside on the way."  
  
Snape slid his hands to the back of his robe and a shocked expression came over his face. Somebody had cut a big hole in the back of his robe! His entire backside was completely exposed.  
  
"I see London, I see France, I see Snapey's underpants!" sang Hermione, tauntingly.  
  
"That's enough, Miss Granger," said McGonagall. "Now Severus, I'd like for you to explain what this is all about."  
  
Professor Snape lowered his voice. "It was her," he said, motioning to Hermione. "She's turned off my alarm, tampered with my shaving creme, and cut this whole in the back of my robe!" He gave Hermione an ice-cold glare.  
  
Hermione just looked at him mockingly and mouthed, "Snip, snip!"  
  
"Severus," said Professor McGonagall. "I find it hard to believe Miss Granger would do all this. She's one of the brightest students in class and she has never lead me to believe she would do anything so vindictive and mean. She had yet to break the rules."

"What about all those times she went running around with Potter?" said Snape.  
  
"Err... you know what I mean, Severus," McGonagall continued. "You are excused to go back to your dorm room and change, but make it quick."  
  
Professor Snape left the classroom feeling very embarrassed. Embarrassed and vengeful. Hermione was going to get it, get it OLD SCHOOL!!!


	4. Special Delivery

The rest of the day went pretty smoothly for Professor Snape, at least in comparison to the beginning of the day. He finally managed to get rid of his facial hair and his underpants were no longer sticking out. Plus, he was pretty sure he'd finish all the required first-year work within a week.  
  
After a long time in the Library, Professor Snape trudged back up to the dorm room to get some sleep. He pulled on the handle, but it was stuck tight.  
  
"Alohomora!" he shouted, but still the door didn't budge.  
  
"You'll have to do better than that, Sevvy!" shouted Hermione. He could hear Lavender and Parvati giggling inside.  
  
He trudged back down to the Common Room, maybe he could get some sleep on the couches in there. He sat down, but couldn't sleep. He stared up at the ceiling. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see something sparkling in the firelight. He got up to examine it. It was his can of shaving creme! Hmm... he had an idea...

* * *

"So Hermione, Truth or Dare?" asked Parvati.  
  
"Dare," she said.  
  
"I dare you to do something mean to Professor Snape again. Got any plans for tomorow?" asked Parvati.  
  
"First off, we don't have to call him Professor anymore. And secondly, when have you known me to not have a plan? I've got something really great cooked up for tomorow," Hermione said.  
  
"Oooh!! What is it?" squealed Lavender.  
  
"My gosh! What is with you girls and squealing? Can't you talk like normal people?" asked Hermione.  
  
"No, no we can't," said Parvati.  
  
"We were written to be silly, squealing girls. We can't change," added Lavender.

* * *

Professor Snape stood at the door. His amazing scheme was all coming together. He picked up his bottle of shaving cream and emptied the contents into a large manila envelope. He carefully bent down and stuck the envelope's opening just under the crack of the door, then jumped on the envelope.  
  
"Ewwwwww!" squealed Lavender, who was frantically brushing shaving cream off her shoulder.  
  
"Our room is filled with shaving cream! Icky!" squealed Parvati.  
  
"Oh stop your squealing, it's just shaving cream," said Hermione. She paused a minute, "But it was a pretty good trick. Do you think we should let him in?"  
  
Lavender and Parvati looked rather nonplussed by the idea, but it didn't really matter. Hermione had opened the door and let Professor Snape in.  
  
"That was a pretty good trick," she told him. "Truce?" she said, extending her hand to him.  
  
"Truce," he said, shaking her hand.  
  
"Okay!" said Hermione. "Now let's party!" 


	5. Cucumber Suprise

"Pillow fight!" shouted Hermione, as she flung a pillow at Professor Snape. He didn't look too enthusiastic about the whole thing.  
  
"Oh come on!" said Hermione. "You're in a fanfic! You can act completely out of character. So loosen up and start fighting!"  
  
Apparently Hermione's little speech had a big impact on ol' Sevvy. He picked up a pillow and jovially whacked Hermione with it.  
  
"Nice shot, Sevvy!" she said.  
  
Parvati, who had just gotten smacked in the face looked rather sick of pillow fighting. "Ooh!!! Let's sing into our hairbrushes now!! And after that we can play truth or dare some more!" she squealed.  
  
"Again with the squealing. How many times to I have to tell you about the squealing?" demanded Hermione. "But I'm game for the hairbrush thing," she added as she picked up a glittery pink hairbrush.  
  
"Oooh!! Let's sing something by Hilary Duff!!!" squealed Lavender.  
  
"Yeah... if you want me to commit suicide. Let's sing Flesh For Fantasy by Billy Idol!" said Hermione. She started bouncing up and down and singing.  
  
_Face to face  
And back to back  
You see and feel  
My sex attack_  
  
Snape jumped on the bed. He picked up a shiny purple hairbrush and started singing while throwing in some appropriate pelvic thrusts.  
  
_Sing it   
Flesh, flesh for fantasy   
We want   
Flesh, flesh for fantasy  
_  
"Oooh!! Sing it!" squealed Parvati.  
  
"You the MAN!" squealed Lavender.  
  
"Okay, okay, now it's time for Truth or Dare!" said Hermione. "Lavender, you start."  
  
"Umm, Parvati, truth or dare?" asked Lavender.  
  
"Truth." she replied.  
  
Lavender thought for a minute, "What's your favorite color?"  
  
"You have no idea how to play, do you?" said Professor Snape. "Let me ask a question instead. Have you ever used food as a sexual aid?"  
  
"Eww!" squealed Lavender. "We're young girls, so therefore we must deny ever doing anything sexual or risk being called a slut forever."  
  
"Oh shut up, Lavender. That's the kind of attitude that holds us back," said Hermione. "So Parvati, what's your answer?"  
  
Parvati looked very pale, "Well, since we're all friends and I know I can trust you... there was this one time when I took a cucumber from the kitchen and shoved it...."  
  
"Okay, we all get the picture, Parvati!" said Hermione. "I want to go next, Professor Snape, truth or dare?"  
  
"Dare," he said.  
  
A smile curled over Hermione's lips. Parvati and Lavender gasped. "Nobody ever picks dare from Hermione!" squealed Parvati.  
  
"Yeah, she makes you do bad things... real bad things," squealed Lavender.  
  
"I stick by my dare," he said smugly.  
  
"Hmm, a man after my own heart," said Hermione. "Okay, Professor Snape, I dare you to pretend like you're getting an orga..."  
  
"Ewww!!!!!" squealed Lavender.  
  
"You didn't let me finish," said Hermione hotly. "Pretend like you're getting it from Ron Weasley. And you have to fake it like a girl."  
  
"Double eww!!!" squealed Parvati.  
  
Snape looked at the girls, "You double dare me?" he asked.  
  
They nodded.  
  
He cleared his throat and started, "Oooooh!!! Ron, yes YES YES YES YES!!! HARDER!!! OH RON YOU STUD!! DON'T STOP, oh oh oh oh oh, YES YES YES YES YES!!! Right there!!! Oh you sexy beast!! That red hair is such a turn on!!! YEAH!!! OH OH OH!!! I'm almost there!!! YES YES YES YESSSSSSS AAAAHHHHH!!!"  
  
They all doubled over in laughter. The next day when Ron came to breakfast, they all started cracking up.  
  
"What are you laughing at?" Ron demanded.  
  
"Oh nothing, you sexy beast," replied Hermione, giggling. "Oooh oooh yesss YES YES YES!"  
  
Ron turned to Harry, "What do you spose has gotten into them?"  
  
Harry shrugged his shoulders, "I dunno. Maybe they ate the Cucumber Surprise?"


	6. Want to Touch the Hiney

"Oooh!! It looks like we have Divination first today!" squealed Lavender.  
  
Hermione slapped Lavender right in the face. "Stop the damned squealing already, or I'll turn you into a pig! Divinations sucks anyway. Why don't you take something more fun, like Suicide 101?"  
  
"Oooh!!! Hermione, you're such a bitch!" squealed Parvati.  
  
"Divinations? Is that the class that foxy Professor Trelawney teaches?" asked Snape.  
  
Hermione looked pretty angry for a second, then bitch-slapped Snape a good one.  
  
"Oww! What the hell was that for?" he said, rubbing his head.  
  
"I can't believe you like Trelawney, you're freak!" she said.  
  
"Just look at that little tushy she's got -- how could I resist?" said Snape.  
  
"Yuck! I know I before I told you to be out of character, but this is just weird. I'm going to Arithmancy," said Hermione.  
  
Snape, Lavender, and Parvati made their way up to the Divinations tower and took a seat.  
  
"Okay, class!" said Professor Trelawney. "We will continue where we left off with at our last lesson. I trust you all brought a urine sample to analyze?"  
  
Everyone pulled out little vials of pee.  
  
"Glorious! Glorious!" she shouted. "Wait, my inner eye is telling me something!" Trelawney spun dramatically around the room with her fingers pressed to her temples. "It seems we have a new student!"  
  
Ron slapped his hands over his face and mockingly said, "Wow! How did you predict that one? Snape's only been sitting directly in front of you for the last five minutes!"  
  
Trelawney ignored Ron and walked up to Professor Snape. Her nose was about 1 millimeter from his own. She stared at him for a moment, then pulled away quickly. "My inner eye is also telling me that he's an enormous git and that he does not possess the sight. Oh! And he is going to get eaten by.... THE GRIM. And then... THE GRIM will poop out his remains in an exceptionally splattery diarrhea. Unless you're making fun of him, I expect you all to completely ignore him . Now Harry Potter, will you analyze your urine sample for us please?"  
  
"Uhhh, my urine is telling me.... that... uhhh," Harry stuttered. "Umm, that I test positive for 8 different types of drugs, including the Birth Control Pill."  
  
"Boo!! You suck!" said Professor Snape.  
  
Trelawney turned and looked at Snape angrily. "Please continue Mr. Potter."  
  
Harry looked rather nervous. "Umm, my pee's a yellowish color, so that means it's got urine in it. Urine or Smurfs, one of the two."  
  
"I've seen yellower pee in my Grandma's diaper!" shouted Snape.  
  
Professor Trelawney grabbed Snape by the ear and lead him outside the classroom.  
  
"What do you think you were dong in there?" she demanded.  
  
"Lighten up," said Snape. "I was just making a joke."  
  
"Yeah? Well that joke could have slightly deflated Harry Potter's enormous ego," she spat at him. "How do you feel about yourself now, ya bastard?"  
  
"Umm, pretty good I guess," said Snape.  
  
"SILENCE!" screamed Trelawney as she picked up a bottle of sherry and chugged it.  
  
"Umm, I thought teachers weren't supposed to drink during a lesson," said Professor Snape.  
  
Trelawney pulled the bottle from her face and broke it against the side of the wall. "Sooo, ya scurvy sea dog... you think you can eat my bean burrito and get away with it?" she said to Snape, pushing the jagged edge of the sherry bottle against his neck.  
  
"I don't know what the hell you're talking about!" said Snape as he slid back to avoid the sherry bottle.  
  
"I swear, ya scurvy sea dog, if you EVER wear my pantaloons on your head while doing the macarena again, I'll feed you to the GRIM!!!!" said Trelawney. "Now you just sit here and think about THAT until class is over," she said as she walked back towards the classroom.  
  
Snape conjured up a chair and sat down. "Sybil Trelawney ... SOOOOO HOT! Want to touch the hiney!"  
  
Trelawney turned around, "Did you say something?" she said.  
  
"Umm, I just said... SHERRY IS GOOD," said Snape.  
  
"That it is!" she said.  
  
"I could conjure us up a bottle," offered Snape.  
  
"No thank you," said Trelawney, "I've already been drunk enough for one day."  
  
"But it could be our sherry!" said Snape.  
  
"It will never be our sherry," said Trelawney, and with that she went into her class and closed the door. 


	7. Must Be Playing Truth or Dare

Snape got done with all his work for first year that day. So, in celebration, the Gryffindors threw him an elaborate party that night.  
  
"Nice job, Snapey!" said George Weasley.  
  
"You passed your first year!" added Fred. "Butterbeers all around!"  
  
Snape was sipping his butterbeer, talking to Alicia Spinnet about the quidditch team when Harry came up to him.  
  
"Hey Severus, have you seen Ron? He totally ditched me," said Harry.  
  
Snape looked around the room. "Nope, I haven't seen him all night, Hermione either for that matter."  
  
"Hmm," said Harry. "Maybe they went off somewhere together, I wonder what they're doing..."  
  
Suddenly, some screams burst out from the Boys Dormitory.  
  
"OOOOH RON!!! YES YES YES YES!!! That red hair is such a turn on! Ooooh oohhh oohhh!!!! YES!!! Ooh!! Right there!! Harder, harder you bastard!!! NOOO!! SOFTER!!! SOFTER!!! YES YES YES YES!!!"  
  
Snape turned to Harry. "Sounds like they're playing truth or dare to me," he said while taking a drink of his butterbeer.  
  
"Oh," said Harry. "Professor Snape, can I ask you something?"  
  
"Sure, Harry," said Snape.  
  
"How are you so good with the ladies?" Harry asked.  
  
"Women... are like Football Pitches. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy." said Snape.  
  
"Oh yuck! You didn't just say what you think I said, did you?" said Harry.  
  
Snape looked at Harry, "You obviously haven't met many Russian women then, have you? Well, I'm off to bed, tomorrow is Potions with Peeves. Good luck with the ladies."

* * *

The next day Snape got up and went to Potions. Hermione was sitting by Ron, so he took a seat next to Harry.  
  
"Hey Snape!" said Harry as Severus sat down. "I got two extra bananas at breakfast today, want one?" he said, pushing the banana over to Snape. Harry picked up his own banana and stuck it to his ear. "BANANA PHONE!" he shouted.  
  
Severus went to pick up his own banana, but suddenly, a hand came down and smashed it. Snape looked up.  
  
"Malfoy rules!" said Draco as he walked past, his two goons in his shadow.  
  
"What's up with them?" said Snape.  
  
Harry shrugged his shoulders.  
  
"Time for class!" said Peeves. "I'm going to do this class a little different than Snape did. That dumbass didn't make one worthwhile potion all those millenniums he taught here. Okay, who can tell me what this is?" he said, holding up a bottle of clear liquid.  
  
"Veritiserum?" guessed Hermione.  
  
"Nope! Five points from Gryffindor for being a dumbass," said Peeves.  
  
"Water?" said Parvati.  
  
"Wrong again, and five more points. Oooh! I'm starting to like this game!" said Peeves. "Well, since you all suck, I'll tell you. It's vodka and today we will learn to make Screwdrivers..."  
  
"Screwdrivers?" said Professor Snape angrily. "That's not a potion, it's booze! You've completely disregarded my lesson plan!"  
  
"And your point?" said Draco Malfoy, who was obviously intent on learning the precise amount of Orange Juice to add to a Screwdriver.  
  
"My point is you're not learning anything! Peeves is just turning you into drunks!" said Snape, enraged.  
  
"A million points from Gryffindor because Snape is a retarded git!" said Peeves. "And another million from Gryffindor because I had a hard time burning his lesson plan."  
  
"You burned my lesson plan?!?!?!" said Snape, who looked rather pale even for him. "NOOOOOO!!!!! That lesson plan took me all summer to draw up!"  
  
"You should have used that time to get laid by transvestite hookers like I did then, shouldn't you have?" said Peeves. 


	8. Another Shameless Billy Madison Ripoff

_I just wanted to thank everyone who reviewed my story so far! Thank you so much!_

The months flew past rather quickly. By February, Snape had finished all the required work for his first five years. He managed to piss Peeves off pretty badly when he made the perfect Bloody Mary in Potions last week, however, Trelawney wasn't sympathizing with him anymore than she did on the first day of class. Snape desperately needed a break from school.  
  
"Okay," said McGonagall one day during Transfiguration. "Professor Dumbledore just told me we will be going to Hogsmede on Valentine's Day."  
  
A couple people in the class cheered out loud.  
  
"Anyway," continued McGonagall, "For all the kids who are too poor to buy their own lunch at Hogsmede, we will provide bag lunches. This means I do not want to see you roasting any more Cornish Pixies, Mr. Weasley."  
  
Finally, Valentine's Day came. Everyone lined up outside of Hogwarts as Filch prepared to escort them to Hogsmede. Snape looked around to see what teachers would be going with. McGonagall, Flitwick, Sprout, and..... Professor Trelawney!!  
  
"Allright you miserable sap-suckers, let's move out!" said Filch.  
  
When they arrived at Hogwarts, Snape followed Ron, Hermione, and Harry to Zonko's.  
  
"Yay! I love Valentine's Day!" said Ron.  
  
Hermione bitch-slapped him. "Ron, you dumb ass! Valentine's Day is the suckiest holiday ever invented by Greeting Card companies!" she said.  
  
"Jeez! You might want to think about anger management!" said Ron, rubbing the back of his head where Hermione had hit him. "I like Valentine's Day because of the candy!"  
  
"Speaking of which," said Harry, "shouldn't we go get some lunch now?"  
  
This seemed like a good idea to everyone. And since Ron was one of the poor kids, he needed to go find some of the teachers to get one of the bag lunches.  
  
"The teachers are more than likely in the Leaky Cauldron right now," said Professor Snape. "After all, I used to be one. I'm sure they're getting drunk and doing bad impressions of the students they hate. One time I did this really good one about Potter... that kid sucks major ass!"  
  
Harry looked up at Snape coldly.  
  
"Errr... I mean, KICKS ASS!!!" said Snape in a feeble attempt to cover his tracks, "Haha.... hey, you're allright."  
  
"You miss it, don't you Severus?" asked Hermione.  
  
"Let's just get Ronny's lunch, okay?" said Snape as they walked into the Leaky Cauldron. They went into an upper room where they could hear Flitwick's voice.  
  
"I'm Ron Weasley! I'm so poor I have to eat the school lunches!"  
  
The faculty members burst out laughing, and Ron's face got red.  
  
"What did I tell you?" said Snape, opening the door. "Excuse me, Ron needs his lunch."  
  
The teachers all laughed some more, but finally McGonagall got up to look for the bag lunches.  
  
"They're nowhere to be found!" she exclaimed.  
  
"Someone must have stolen them," said Hermione  
  
"What would someone possibly want with 23 bag lunches?" said McGonagall.  
  
"I'll tell you who took them," said Professor Sprout. "It was that damned Sasquatch!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Filch sat in the back alley behind the Three Broomsticks with two grungy looking men. They ate sandwiches and 23 paper bags were littered around their feet.

* * *

"I guess we'll never know who took them," said McGonagall. "Oh well, we should be heading back pretty soon anyway."  
  
Snape and the rest left the Three Broomsticks and walked out into the snow.  
  
"This sucks! I have no lunch and I'm incredibly horny!" said Ron.  
  
"Now you know why Valentine's Day sucks," said Hermione.  
  
Snape looked around. "Hey, where did Harry go?" he said.  
  
"Who cares!" said Ron. "What about my horniness?"  
  
Snape ignored Ron and looked around. He saw Harry standing on a corner, leaning against a lamp post. "Hey Harry," he called, "you haven't resorted to prostitution, have you?"  
  
"No," said Harry. "I've got a little problem. Promise you won't laugh or tell anybody?"  
  
Snape looked over at Harry, "I won't say a word."  
  
"Okay, I kind of... bled through my pants."  
  
"What do you mean 'bled through?'" said Snape.  
  
"Hey! I thought you weren't going to say a word!" retorted Harry.  
  
"Sorry," said Snape, "but it's not everyday you hear about a GUY that bled through his pants. Are all your parts in working order? Do you need to see a doctor?"  
  
"No," said Harry. "It's just that time of the month."  
  
"WHAT?? Guys don't get periods!" said Snape.  
  
"Oh, don't act so surprised!" said Harry. "You read Order of the Phoenix! You must have seen the intense PMS I get."  
  
"Everybody line up!" called McGonagall.  
  
"Snape! You've got to help me!" Harry pleaded.  
  
"Oh fine!" said Severus. "I'll help you out, as weird as all this is!" And with that Snape pulled out one of those nifty fast food ketchup packs and squirted its contents all over his pants. He strode over to where everyone was lining up.  
  
"What in the world is on his pants?" said Angelina Johnson, pointing at Snape.  
  
"It looks like he perioded through them!" said Hannah Abbot.  
  
"Ewwwwww!" squealed Lavender and Parvati in unison.  
  
"That's right, I perioded through my pants," said Snape. "You're not cool, unless you bleed through your pants!"  
  
"Hey look, Harry bled through his pants too!" said Seamus Finnigan as he high fived Harry.  
  
Suprisingly, all the guys thought it was cool and wanted to get periods of their own. And it must have been magic or something, but all the guys suddenly had big red stains on their pants.  
  
"Umm, I need some help," said Neville Longbottom. "I was trying really hard to period, and I guess I got carried away and I accidentally peed my pants instead."  
  
"Ewww!" said Harry as he got in line. "That's gross! You're a freak, Neville!"  
  
Just as Snape was about to get in line, Trelawney came up behind him.  
  
"That was a very nice thing you did back there," she said.  
  
"What? You mean the whole sacrificing my own dignity to help out a boy with strange bodily functions?" Snape said nonchalantly.  
  
"No," she said. "I mean putting ketchup on your pants. It makes it so much more convenient for dipping purposes," she said with a laugh as she walked towards the front of the line. Snape went to take his place, but he felt someone's arm hold him back.  
  
It was Filch, who was staring at Trelawney's ass as she walked to the front of the line. He turned to Professor Snape and said, "That Sybil Trelawney is one hot piece of ass, I know from experience, dude. If you know what I mean."  
  
"No, you don't," said Snape.  
  
Filch hesitated, "Well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her GOT IT ON. WOOO-EEEE."  
  
"No they didn't," said Snape.  
  
"No, No, they didn't," said Filch. "But you could imagine what it'd be like if they, eh, eh... Everybody in line? Good, great, grand, wonderful, NO YELLING IN THE LINE."


	9. Monkies on the Bed

**::Note from Lams::** Sorry about the uber-long wait. After a long hiatus, I'm back to doing fics. It's been a long time since I've done them, so I'm a little rusty with the writing. Actually, I wrote most of this chapter a long time ago, but never got to putting it up, cause I'm lazy like that. Thanks to all the reviews and what not. This is a short chapter, mainly cause I forgot what happened in this fic

* * *

"Severus, can I see you for a moment?" said Professor Dumbledore.  
  
"Sure, Dumbles!" said Snape as he sauntered into Dumbledore's office. "So, what did you want to see me about."  
  
"It's Peeves," said Dumbledore.  
  
"Oh, that bastard."  
  
"Yes, Severus. That bastard," Dumbledore said mellifluously. "Anyway, I have reason to believe that he's become quite attatched to his job as Potions Master. I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to mess with you in an attempt to keep his job."  
  
"What the deuce!" exclaimed Snape, his eyes growing wide and his mouth contorting into very sour expression. "He's not even teaching them any potions! He's teaching them how to make Cosmo Cocktails this week! You must fire him, Dumbledore. For my good, for the children's good... for the school's good."  
  
"Whoa Severus! You make it seem like it ISN'T a worthwhile thing to learn how to make mixed drinks!" said Dumbledore, reaching for a bottle of scotch. "Anyway, I'm just telling you to keep your head up. You are dismissed."

* * *

"SEVERUS!!!" exclaimed Hermione as she lay gasping for air on her bed.  
  
Snape looked up, "Shh! You'll wake everyone up," he said.  
  
"Oh, but Severus, you know I can't contain it. It's just too good."  
  
"You'll have to try, unless you'll want to explain to Filch what we're doing."  
  
"I've got nothing to hide," said Hermione.  
  
"I know you don't, but my job is on the line. If I do one inappropriate thing, I'll be expelled as a student and as a teacher."  
  
"Severus, there is nothing I would want less than your expulsion."  
  
"Then we'd better stop jumping on your bed, talking about the Ball," said Snape.  
  
"My gosh, you're such a pussy Severus. You make it sound like we were having sex or something."  
  
"Yuck!" said Snape. "No offence, Hermione, but no way in hell."  
  
"My thoughts exactly," said Hermione. "No offence to you either, you greasy git."  
  
"Insufferable know-it-all," said Snape.  
  
"This is getting us nowhere. So, who are you planning to take to the ball?" she inquired.  
  
"Well, I'd like to take Sybil," said Snape.  
  
"Yuck! You're still on about her?" said Hermione. "That almost makes the idea of us having sex look not disgusting."  
  
"Shut up, Hermione," said Snape, throwing a pillow at her. "You're going with Ron Weasley. Can't get much lower than that. Well, except Harry Potter. What a loser!"  
  
"Oh come off it, Sevvy. You know I'm just using Ron to get to Ginny."  
  
"You're a lesbian?" said Snape, shocked.  
  
"No," said Hermione. "But I do like to make out with girls."  
  
"Err... whatever floats your boat, I guess," said Snape. "So, have you heard any rumors about Peeves trying to besmirch my character in order to steal my job?"  
  
"Nope," said Hermione. "But if I do, I'll let you know about it. Let's get some sleep though, the ball's tomorrow and I don't want to be tired."  
  
"Wait..." said Snape. "This chapter's rather short. Shouldn't we go on talking some more?"  
  
"Nope," said Hermione. "The author's got nothing left to say and she wants the ball to be a separate chapter. Plus, she's really drunk and has the runs."  
  
"Yuck!" said Snape. "TMI, TMI fo' shizzle!" 


	10. Poop

The next day came quickly. Severus woke up, but on one of his better robes, brushed his hair, and went down to the common room. He saw all the girls meticulously combing each other's hair.

"You're not going like THAT are you?" asked Hermione as she was pulling a slip up around her midsection.

"What's wrong with it?" said Snape.

"It's the same thing you wear every day!" she said. "Here, sit down, we'll help you get ready." Snape hesitated and backed towards the door, but Lavendar caught him and put him down into the chair. Combs and curling irons were flying everywhere.

"Oww! That hurt!" said Snape, giving Hermione a cutting look.

"Sorry, but beauty requires a little pain," she said. "Okay, now you can go look at yourself, we're all done."

Snape walked over to a mirror. "A bandanna? Beads? Eyeliner? Are you trying to make me look like Johnny Depp from Pirates of the Caribbean?"

The girls all started swooning. "Oooh! Johnny Depp! He's so hot!" they cried.

"Oh shut it, you crazy fangirls!" said Hermione. "Yeah, Snapey, that was the general idea. Actually, you look pretty good dressed like this. But you've got to get out of here now, us girls are changing!"

Snape pretended to sneak a peek at the girls as they were dressing and ended up getting punched in his beautifuly-lined left eye by an abnormally fat Alicia Spinnett. He covered his eye as he walked out the door, and sure enough, as he exited the Gyriffindor common room, he ran into none other than Sybil Trelawney. "Severus? Is that you?" she asked. "Are you trying to be Jack Sparrow?"

"I can be whatever you want me to be," said Snape. "Grrrowl!"

"I see," said Trelawney. "Well, I need to go and help the other TEACHERS set up the ball. Have fun with all your student friends, Severus," she said.

_"Sooo hot, want to touch the hiney!" _muttered Snape as Trelawney walked off. But sure enough, his daydreaming was interrupted but the sound of footsteps behind him.

"Ready to go to the ball, Sevvy?" said Hermione. Snape turned around and looked at her and Ron. Her hair was soft and springy, unlike the ratty mess it usually was. And her crimson colored dress fit her just right. Ron, on the other hand, was wearing white socks with his tuxedo. Which is incredibly tacky.

"Yeah, I was just leaving," said Severus after a few seconds.

"Cool," said Hermione. "I guess we'll see you down there, then."

* * *

Snape walked into the ballroom. It was decorated elaborately. He went over to grab a thing of punch and ran into Harry. "Hey Severus, what's up?" he said. 

"Not a whole lot, getting some punch," said Snape.

"That's cool... hey, can you do me a favor?" said Harry.

"You didn't period your pants again, did you? Cause I'm so not going there," said Snape.

"No, umm, actually I'm lactating," said Harry.

"Lactating?" said Snape.

"That's when your breasts produce milk," explained Harry.

Snape slapped Harry. "I know what it is. I was just wondering what the hell is wrong with you? You'll have to work this stuff out on your own," he finished, then walked away from the table.

"Hey, I saw what you did back there," said a voice.

Snape whirled around. It was Trelawney. "You did?" he said.

"Yes, and let me just say, I'm very proud of you," she said with a flirtatious smile.

Snape raised an eyebrow. "Why would you be proud? I left boy with severe and strange deformities out to dry. That isn't very nice."

"Exactly!" said Trelawney. "Now, you're alone with your teacher at a romantic dance, what do you want to do?"

"Umm, we're not alone," said Snape.

"PLAY ALONG, DAMMIT!" said Trelawney, breaking a bottle of sherry against a table and prodding Snape in the stomach with it.

"Okay, okay," said Snape, "I can think of three things I'd like to do. One would involve a 9 iron and come ice cubes. The second would involve a buffalo, live or stuffed. Preferably stuffed for safety's sake. And for the third, bring back those ice cubes and change it to a pitching wedge."

Trelawney looked at him seriously, reached her arm around, and grabbed his butt. "Goose!" she said. "Gotta come catch me!" she said as she ran off around the ball. Snape took off behind her, but ended up running right into Professor Flitwick.

"Hey Flitty, didn't see you down there," said Severus.

Flitwick got up off the ground and rubbed the back of his head. "Listen, Snape, Peeves is out to steal your job. He already asked me to dig up some dirt on you, but I wouldn't do it. You need to be on high alert, he'll do anything to ruin you. I'm almost sure he's the one who 'lost' your school records in the first place."

"But why would he want my job?" said Snape. "It's not like he's teaching them any potions."

"I don't know, Severus, I don't know," said Flitwick. "I wonder what that little devil is up to right now..."

* * *

Meanwhile, Peeves roamed the halls of Hogwarts while everyone else was at the ball. "I need something that will ruin Snape once and for all." Suddenly, he passed by a door he had never seen before. He went inside. "This must be the Room of Requirement," he thought. "I'm sure I'll find what I need in here." And sure enough, sitting on a table in the room was a magazine. Peeves picked it up. "I know just what to do with this," he said.

* * *

"Dude, I don't know, man, I don't know," said Snape to Flitwick. "Now, if you excuse me, I need to catch that cutie," he said as he dashed off after Trelawney again. As he ran, he noticed Hermione, sitting in a corner and sobbing. He looked back and forth between his friend and Trelawney. "Sure, Hermione picks NOW to get all emotional on me, just when I was about to get that sexy Trelawney," thought Snape as he made his way over to Hermione.

"Hermione, is everything okay?" he asked.

Hermione looked up at him, her eyes all puffy from crying. "Ron... he was just... using..."

Snape looked at Hermione impatiently, "Spit it out! I'm missing my chance to grab Trelawney's butt for this."

A small smile spread across Hermione's face. "You're messed up in the head, you know that?" she said with a laugh. "Anyhow, I was just saying that Ron... well, Ron was only using me to try to get to... Dobby."

"Ron wants to hook up with Dobby? That's wrong on so many levels," said Snape.

Hermione bitch slapped Snape a good one. "No, you pervert! He doesn't want to hook up with Dobby, he wants to get close to Dobby so he can get 24 hour access to the kitchens."

"Ron's kind of an asshole, isn't he?" said Snape. "If I ever get my job back as Potions professor, I'll fail him for you, okay?"

"You've changed so much this year, Snape," said Hermione. "I used to think you were an enormous git, but now, you're a friend. This is so weird."

"Tell me about it!" said Snape. "And I never knew you were an enormous bitch with a dirty mouth."

"Oh, the benefits of fanfiction!" sighed Hermione. "I can act completely out of character. I hook up with all sorts of weird people in these things."

"Ever any girl-on-girl action?" asked Snape.

"Well... I suppose..." said Hermione. Realizing Snape's sudden perverseness, she bitch slapped him again. "You're disgusting!" she said.

"Really?" said Snape. "Well I happen to know for a fact that you have a taste for Harry Potter/Draco Malfy slash fanfics."

"That... that was supposed to be a secret!" said Hermione. "DAMN YOU PARVATI PATIL!"

"Uhh, right," said Snape. He looked around the ballroom for Trelawney, only to find she was throwing herself at Lucius Malfoy, who had stopped by to check out the ball. "Sybil Trelawney..." he mused out loud, "so hot, but such a dirty, dirty, tramp."

Hermione looked up at Snape and saw the glazed look in his eyes. "Umm, sorry about taking you away from Trelawney."

"That's okay," said Snape. "This ball sucked anyway, let's go do something fun."

"Like what?" asked Hermione.

"Let's go leave a flaming bag of dungbombs outside the Ravenclaw common room," suggested Snape.

"Right on, brotha!" said Hermione as she linked his arm in hers and walked out of the common room.

Back in the corridors of Hogwarts, Dumbledore was wandering around, trying to find a bathroom.

"Doing the potty dance, I see, Dumbledore," said Peeves, "I'll be quick then."

"Out of the way, Peeves!" shouted Dumbledore as he was hopping around in attempts not to soil his robes. "I've gotta go, and when you've gotta go, you've gotta go!"

"Oh, I think you might want to stop for this!" said Peeves, dangling a magazine in front of Dumbledore's face.

"Wha... where'd you get that?" said Dumbledore in a shocked tone.

"Silence, old fool! I'm the only one in a position to be asking questions around here," sneered Peeves. "Now, once the parents of this school find that their dear old Headmaster's secret past, you'll be out the door in no time. I hear Lucius Malfoy's at the ball right now..."

"No!" said Dumbledore. "Anything but that! The kids are my life!"

"Ah! But you have unleashed a powerful evil on to the world, you should be responsible for it," said Peeves. He picked up the magazine and started reading from it. "...though the muggles don't know it, reality television has been around for years. It all started in the 60's when Albus Dumbledore created Witch Island and The Real Wizards. These shows were not so popular as Reality TV is today. Dumbledore hit it big when he sold one of his ideas to a little network called MTV back in the early 90's. The Real Wizards became The Real World and did exceptionally well. Banking off the success of the Real World, Dumbledore sold his other ideas to major networks, thus causing the huge boom in Reality Television."

Dumbledore started sobbing on the floor. "I never meant to start the reality television craze! You have to believe me! Please, don't let this get out! I'll do anything!"

"Anything?" said Peeves with a glint in his eye. He handed Dumbledore a piece of paper. "Just read what I've written on here tomorrow night when you're on the Wizarding Wireless Network and no one will ever have to know about the whole reality television scandal."

Dumbledore unfolded the paper and skimmed its contents. "You bastard! I can't say this! Severus is my friend!"

"I'm afraid you have no choice, Dumbles," said Peeves with a smirk. "Ta ta!"

Meanwhile, Hermione and Snape filled a bag with dungbombs, lit it on fire, and set it by the entrance to the Ravenclaw common room.

"Oh my God, Cho Chang hates shit," said Hermione after she and Severus got behind a wall.

"Shh, here she comes," whispered Snape.

"Who the hell is it? What do you want?" demanded Cho Chang. She looked down at the burning bag, "Judas Priest, Luna, it's one of those flaming bags again."

"Don't put it out with your boots," cried Luna.

"Don't tell me my business, Devil Woman. Call the fire department, this one's outta control," said Cho as she squashed down on the bag with her boot, which she then lifted up to smell. "Eck, poop again!" she cried.

"She called the shit 'poop,'" laughed Hermione.

"This is the best night of my life," said Snape through laughter.

"I'll get you damn kids for this. You're all gonna die!" shouted Cho as they walked away laughing.


	11. Shady's Back, Tell A Friend

**:Note from Lams:** I'd like to say my return to FanFics would be a triumphant return. However, I haven't done this in ages, so you're left with this festering turd of a chapter. Enjoy.

* * *

The next morning, Snape woke up on a cold wet tiled floor with no recollection of what happened the night before. His head throbbed like mad as he slowly opened his eyes. In front of him, he could see a blurry figure that stood before him. "Mommy! But I don't want to go to school today!" he cried.

"I'm not your mom. And if you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits!" shouted Hermione as she bent down lower towards him.

"Oh mommy! You said you wouldn't make me do that again! Anything but that!" cried Snape as he twitched on the floor.

With that, Hermione gave Snape a cold glare before slapping him directly across the face. "God, you must have had one traumatic childhood. I guess that explains a lot." Hermione picked his head off the ground and her nose crinkled. "Eww, but it doesn't explain that ocean of drool!" She quickly dropped his head back down and it landed with a painful thunk on the tiles.

"Oww!" exclaimed Snape. He sheepishly picked himself off the ground and looked over at the puddle. "I don't know WHAT that is. I don't drool."

"Whatever," said Hermione. "Clearly, you do."

"Well," said Snape coldly, "at least I don't fantasize about Neville Longbottom in my sleep!"

It was Hermione's turn to have her face turn red. She shook her head. "Say what you will, Severus, but you need to get going. Today you start your sixth year classes. Wow, sixth year… you'll have to tell me what you think of it," she said dreamily. "All those advanced classes…."

"Oh, sixth year. Well, if you don't remember, I've actually already been through it. I ruled in 6th year. I always had people sleeping over and I threw big parties, and…"

"Uhh, Sevvy, I think you've got it wrong," said Hermione. "I really don't think you were ever popular in your entire life."

"Way to bring that one up! 20 years of repressing memories down the drain," exclaimed Snape. "I'm off to class," he said as he walked up the stairs.

"Hey wait," said Hermione. "Do you know how we got down here or what even HAPPENED last night?"

Snape shrugged his shoulders. "I guess we'll never know."

* * *

Snape walked in late to the classroom and took a seat next to a blonde Hufflepuff girl. The Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher strolled around the room in a white lab coat. "Now, in review, Riddikulus comes in handy against boggarts. Not to be confused with boogers, haha, hahahahaha."

"Riddikulus? More like ridiculous!" said Snape. Everyone in the class turned and glared at him and the girl next to him scooted further away. "You're a loser," she muttered after the teacher began again.

"No I will not make out with you!" said Snape loudly. Everyone stopped and stared at him again. "Did ya hear that? This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Riddikulus Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the Riddikulus."

Needless to say, Snape ate alone that day. And the rest of his day didn't go any better. After establishing himself as a loser in 6th year, Snape could not catch a break. Finally, after what seemed like the longest day ever, he walked back to the Gryffindor common room. Hermione sat on the couch with the Daily Prophet in hand.

"Hermione! Am I ever glad to see you!" he cried. He ran over to the couch and told her the whole sad tale of his first day of his second time as a 6th year.

"It doesn't feel so good to be called a loser, does it?" she said. "Maybe you weren't always so nice to the people who you thought were losers."

"Wow, thanks for that piece of advice, Dr. Phil," said Snape. He got up and turned to Hermione who was shooting him a warning glance. "Oh fine!" he said as he scribbled out a quick note of apology and tied it to an owl.

"Oh my God!" screamed Hermione. She jumped up and threw down her newspaper. "Look! Look at this!" she panted, manically pointing at an article that lay face-up on the floor.

Snape picked up the wrinkled paper. His jaw dropped as he read the headline.

_**Swindling Snape Scams Again: **In a press conference this afternoon Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, admitted to accepting a bribe from Severus Snape to pass him through school. This isn't the first such incident for Snape. Earlier this year, it was discovered that he had not even finished school the first time. What a loser!_

Snape flung down the paper and charged out the common room door. "This is a big lie!" he shouted.

"What's a big lie, Snapey-wapey?" said a menacing voice from behind.

"Peeves!" cried Snape. "I know this is all your fault. I will kill you!"

"Ah, ah, ah!" said Peeves shaking a finger at Snape, who was trying his best to choke the ghost. "You can't kill the undead."

"Fine," said Snape. He pulled a glove out from his pocket and slapped what would have been Peeves's face with it. "I challenge you to a duel!"

"Wow, you really are an idiot," said Peeves. "Didn't you hear a word I just said?"

"Umm, well, not really. I wasn't paying that much attention, truth be told. You see, I got 'Holla Back, Girl' stuck in my head. And while it's not really a great song it's awful catchy…" Snape said, trailing off as he noticed Peeves's disinterest. "In any event, I didn't mean a REAL duel. A duel of knowledge. We'll answer questions and perform tasks in different areas. The one who gets the most points, wins the title of professor of Potions. So, Peeves. Are you game, or are you a pussy?"

"Oh, it is on! On like Donkey KONG, biotch!" shouted Peeves. And with that he glided away, only to turn around abruptly. "Hey, Donkey Kong. That sounds fun. Can it be one of the challenges?"

"Umm, sure," responded Snape. "Though I must tell you, I'm the king of the jungle. You've got to learn the ropes, or you don't have a hope."

"I say this modestly, no one ever does it twice like me!" retorted Peeves as he went off for real.

* * *

Meanwhile, in a cold dark end of the castle, Neville Longbottom sat in the owlry poking the poo with a stick. When suddenly, an owl appeared for him carrying something other than his usual howler. Neville untied the letter and read it, then clung it to his heart. He reached into his robe and pulled out a long list and crossed something off it.

"Finally, one less person to kill!" he exclaimed. With that, he smiled dreamily and put huge globs of blue eye shadow onto his eyes and nose before lying down amongst the birds who were hooting what seemed to be a bad song from the 50s.


End file.
